when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
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My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Seems kinda suspicious
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what