How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
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Festive toon…
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.