Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
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Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*