why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
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Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
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Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.