My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
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Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
that’s really how it is
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
do u think theres a butter planet?
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*