Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
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My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Why does laundry happen to good people?
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.