Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
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Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
i will not be silenced
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.