First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
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How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction