I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
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[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.