Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
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*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Just grow your own
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.