JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
You Might Also Like
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?