me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
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The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
I put the h in mysterious.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic: