It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
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Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Something Saturday.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.