Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
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This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive