God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
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My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird