Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
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Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.