Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
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How many calories are in Twitter beef?
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
This week’s mood.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
#catsoftwitter
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I have never related to anyone more.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though