Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
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me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
my dad when a sex scene comes on
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”