My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
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Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.