Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
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My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
The pasta is now
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?