JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
You Might Also Like
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
“OMGJK” -atheists
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”