My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
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Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
The Others (2001)
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now