a badder mouse
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“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way