To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
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Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
The Others (2001)
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.