“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
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Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other