Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
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[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
good work, detective
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁