[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
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Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.