Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
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mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
bears
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista