You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
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My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
that’s really how it is
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’