just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
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Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.