is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
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Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
checking out some reviews of my local library
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
this is the best interaction on twitter
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.