Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
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how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
no regrets
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
What if all the cashiers are married?
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!