I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
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“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope