Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
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Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
The days of good grammer has went
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.