Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
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me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Me buying fruit and veg
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
And then there were 4
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
termite twitter scares me
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.