*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
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[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.