How all things should be taught/explained.
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My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”