My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
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I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care