[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
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My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name