Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
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[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.