God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
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My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
a fate I wish upon no one
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
hmm conte-me mais
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.