Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
You Might Also Like
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish