My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
You Might Also Like
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Do not steal food from the science building!
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool