My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
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your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.