Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
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Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.