The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
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Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Meow