The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
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20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Childbirth is so beautiful
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably