Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
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‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10