I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
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Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
lol
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*