[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
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Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Festive toon…
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Jupiter